Been quite a while since I've posted on here, and kinda figured I would give people some form of an update on how things have been going with me. I really wish I would post on here more often it's really nice for me to get somethings that go through my bipolar mind out and into the open.
I am now officially about 90 days away from getting out of the military which to me is a good thing. I am done with this experiment of military service, and ready to move on with the next stage of my life. Which I am hoping to have some of it almost finalized by time I leave California. I will post it on here as soon as I can get word back on if everything is going to go through or not.
One of the biggest challenges for me in life as I think I have posted on here before is the constant struggle, day in and day out, of my past with witchcraft and Wicca. It's that time of the year, where the leaves start turning and it starts getting colder outside. My internal instincts this time of year especially as it gets closer to Hallowe'en is to just say its too hard to live this Christian life that has given me so much joy and purpose in life, and just ditch it all for the easier path of Wicca. It's really hard not to go back to, after all it's witch season right?
I am going to touch on this more here than I have ever before because again, it helps me to be able to put fingers to keyboard and get things like this out. I hate myself for this constant struggle that I am in. There has been many times I have questioned God about why me? Why am I the only one that struggles greatly with this issue? Why no matter how hard I try to stay with Christ, I also seem to stumble and fail and sometimes even find myself thinking about going to a Wiccan ritual? Why me?
There was almost a decade of my life that I spent in Wicca. I had some really good times in it, but at the same time I had some really really dark times. There was many an occasion that I swear I have felt pure evil, and trust me when I say this it is not a fun time when that happens. It truly scared me to the core of my being when I swear I was in the actual presence of the demonic.
The stumbling block for me always tends to be that its the easier path in life. After all, humans try to take the path of least resistance right? It's easier for me to say, believe what you will there is multiple paths to divinity than for me to actually preach the truth, and that is that there is only one way and that is through Christ Jesus our Lord and Savior.
Its easier to live by a code of ethics that simply states "An' Harm Ye None, Do What Ye Wilt" then to live a Christ-like existence. The bible says that we are to emulate Christ in all that we do and say, but man it's so hard to do sometimes.
Right now I am almost at a loss of what to do. I know what is right and righteous and true, but how can I, someone who for almost a decade cursed the name of Jesus, ever hope to be saved. How am I worthy of the love of God? How am I worthy to be called His son?
I'm not worthy of it, plain and simple, no one is. It is by grace that I am saved, through faith in Christ Jesus. The faith that God the Father sent his own flesh and blood, think about that for a second, Jesus is God's own flesh and blood. Could you send your own child to die for an entire people who aren't worthy of your love? I know I more than likely couldn't do that.
But the Father did, sent Jesus to die on the cross so that you and I can be saved. He sent Him to die so that we may no longer be slaves to our sin. That right there is so powerful. That is the ultimate display of love for those who are not worthy of His love.
That simple message right there, is why time and time again even though I may stumble and fall, is what keeps me picking myself back up and following what is righteous and true. I have been through a lot these past couple months. Everything from going to an alcohol rehabilitation program to where I am today finding out that I am being medically separated from the military because of my bipolar, and the one constant throughout all of it has been the fact that I have a God who loved me so much, that He sent His son to die for me.
I am sorry if you couldn't follow my train of thought with this post. It is 12:30 A.M. and I haven't slept in over 48 hours. I just had to get this off my chest. I am hoping to be able to post on here more often now. As I said earlier, writing things out tends to help me somewhat get my thoughts in a logical order to me.
For now, your humble servant,
xtan.goth
