Wicca, Me, and Salvation

Been quite a while since I've posted on here, and kinda figured I would give people some form of an update on how things have been going with me. I really wish I would post on here more often it's really nice for me to get somethings that go through my bipolar mind out and into the open.

I am now officially about 90 days away from getting out of the military which to me is a good thing. I am done with this experiment of military service, and ready to move on with the next stage of my life. Which I am hoping to have some of it almost finalized by time I leave California. I will post it on here as soon as I can get word back on if everything is going to go through or not.

One of the biggest challenges for me in life as I think I have posted on here before is the constant struggle, day in and day out, of my past with witchcraft and Wicca. It's that time of the year, where the leaves start turning and it starts getting colder outside. My internal instincts this time of year especially as it gets closer to Hallowe'en is to just say its too hard to live this Christian life that has given me so much joy and purpose in life, and just ditch it all for the easier path of Wicca. It's really hard not to go back to, after all it's witch season right?

I am going to touch on this more here than I have ever before because again, it helps me to be able to put fingers to keyboard and get things like this out. I hate myself for this constant struggle that I am in. There has been many times I have questioned God about why me? Why am I the only one that struggles greatly with this issue? Why no matter how hard I try to stay with Christ, I also seem to stumble and fail and sometimes even find myself thinking about going to a Wiccan ritual? Why me?

There was almost a decade of my life that I spent in Wicca. I had some really good times in it, but at the same time I had some really really dark times. There was many an occasion that I swear I have felt pure evil, and trust me when I say this it is not a fun time when that happens. It truly scared me to the core of my being when I swear I was in the actual presence of the demonic.

The stumbling block for me always tends to be that its the easier path in life. After all, humans try to take the path of least resistance right? It's easier for me to say, believe what you will there is multiple paths to divinity than for me to actually preach the truth, and that is that there is only one way and that is through Christ Jesus our Lord and Savior.

Its easier to live by a code of ethics that simply states "An' Harm Ye None, Do What Ye Wilt" then to live a Christ-like existence. The bible says that we are to emulate Christ in all that we do and say, but man it's so hard to do sometimes.

Right now I am almost at a loss of what to do. I know what is right and righteous and true, but how can I, someone who for almost a decade cursed the name of Jesus, ever hope to be saved. How am I worthy of the love of God? How am I worthy to be called His son?

I'm not worthy of it, plain and simple, no one is. It is by grace that I am saved, through faith in Christ Jesus. The faith that God the Father sent his own flesh and blood, think about that for a second, Jesus is God's own flesh and blood. Could you send your own child to die for an entire people who aren't worthy of your love? I know I more than likely couldn't do that.

But the Father did, sent Jesus to die on the cross so that you and I can be saved. He sent Him to die so that we may no longer be slaves to our sin. That right there is so powerful. That is the ultimate display of love for those who are not worthy of His love.

That simple message right there, is why time and time again even though I may stumble and fall, is what keeps me picking myself back up and following what is righteous and true. I have been through a lot these past couple months. Everything from going to an alcohol rehabilitation program to where I am today finding out that I am being medically separated from the military because of my bipolar, and the one constant throughout all of it has been the fact that I have a God who loved me so much, that He sent His son to die for me.

I am sorry if you couldn't follow my train of thought with this post. It is 12:30 A.M. and I haven't slept in over 48 hours. I just had to get this off my chest. I am hoping to be able to post on here more often now. As I said earlier, writing things out tends to help me somewhat get my thoughts in a logical order to me.

For now, your humble servant,

xtan.goth

Just some random thoughts from going to a church this weekend

It has been a minute since I have posted on here, so I wanted to post something, anything. I went to a church this weekend. I was coming from a local club and hanging out at an all night diner with a couple of my friends out here. This church is right down the street from this goth club after much debate amongst ourselves at the diner, we decided to go to church when it had its service this morning at 10.

First thing to know, we were still in our club clothing and had been up the entire night, so we probably were looking like the living dead. This is my first time going to a church in about 3 months, and I think same with my friends.

At roughly 9:30 this morning, I know we were out in the daylight, we paid our for our coffees and food, and started to walk towards the church. This all ties into this blog because it was an ELCA (Evangelical Lutheran Church of America). I don't want to start a flame war amongst Synod's of Lutheranism so I will leave the name of the church out of the matter.

As we were walking towards the church, you could feel the looks starting. "Who are these freaks?", "What are they doing here?" etc. We persisted because they weren't coming from everyone, only a select few of the older people. So we get into the church, and everyone stopped. I think expecting us to catch fire, I take off my cowboy hat which I customarily wear almost everywhere when not in uniform, and we find a seat towards the back of the church, yeah I know traditional lutherans here. The service starts...

The start with a modern praise and worship song. Cool, everyone is up and about worshipping. Then comes the church announcements, and then I guess the tradition of greeting the visitors, I should of known something was up when only a couple people came up to us to introduce themselves. I shook off this feeling because honestly I thought my imagination was playing tricks on me, mainly just from all the stories I have heard about goths showing up to church and some of the greetings that they have been given. The few people who did come up to us, were very friendly, and we were overly friendly back (don't want to ruffle any feathers). One note, the pastor didn't come up to us to introduce himself, he turned on his heels when he got back to us.

Then came more music, and then the Scripture readings. The Gospel on which the sermon was based was on Jesus and the Samaritan woman (John 4). The pastor then goes on to start his sermon, and I honestly think to this minute that it was directed towards us sitting in the back. He talked about how Jesus broke Jewish custom when talking to the Samaritan woman, and that we as Christians today should embrace diversity.

I just want to note something right here, this pastor was a hypocrite. He needs to practice what he preaches. Not fifteen - twenty minutes earlier he wouldn't say a word to us goths sitting in the back pew of the church, and now he is sitting up there preaching that Christians should welcome us? Who does this man think he is?

So yet again, my search continues for a church out here in California, that is a) not hypocritical and b) accepting of me for who I am not what they think a Christian is.

I am not a for lack of a better term, "cookie cutter" Christian. I love Christ with my whole heart, even though I do stumble from time to time, mainly with my past lifestyle of Wicca, and me and der_m have had a conversation about it already. But one thing I do not stand for is blatant hypocrisy like I experienced this morning.

My question for you all is this, why is it that there is such blatant hypocrisy in the Church here in America, and how can we change the modern church culture to make it more accepting and thus open to a much more diverse crowd?

xtan.goth

Question of a lifetime

Quick question for you, how many of the readers here would be willing to give their life for the faith in Christ?

It actually is something that I feel should be talked about more in modern Christianity. You hear quite a bit from people about getting back to the roots of Christianity, and going back to the ways of the original Christians. I have heard it from a couple different people I talk to that we as Christians in America need to get back to the way that the church was back then, but when you ask the same person if they would be willing to give up their life for Christ most won't give you an answer or they will try to dodge the question in general.

What got me thinking about this was the other day I was reading about Stephan. As many of you know Stephan has the distinct honor to be known as "The First Martyr". How many people do you know without a shadow of a doubt would have that type of strength and conviction to stand up for Christ like that? Stephan more than likely knew when he was brought before the Sanhedrin that he was going to be killed, and he accepted that fact. He was truly a man of God.

Anyways, trying to not sound too Evangelical I was just wondering who would if given the chance, on this very solemn topic, give up their life here on Earth for the Kingdom of Heaven that He has waiting for us.